"Give me fuel, give me fire, give me that which i desire!"
I go through day to day offen saying to myself and others... "i wish i had more confidence to stand up for myself and others". In my line of work i need confidence but sometimes i find myself letting things slip through my fingers without even questioning it or arguing it. Espessily when they are things i know people are getting away with and they shouldnt be.
A good example is something thats happened just recently. My husband lost his job due to ill health (cancer) and at the throughout the time this was happening i didnt agree with what was happening but i kept quite thinking it was the best thing. What i should have done and wanted to do was fight for my husband. I knew at the time that if i was to fight for his job and won it would have been so difficult for him to go back there and face everything. But there is alot more i could have done. In one breath they were dismissing him due to ill health then in the next breath they were offering agency work so at least he could still work. Why didnt ask "how can you dismiss him due to ill health but then clear him to work on an agency?"
I often see the people who dismissed him in the coridores at work and i all i can do is just stare at them in disbelief! I think to myself "wheres the fuel inside of me just to have my say and my say to these people?" Its ok for them, they still have their jobs and they always look so happy, even though they may not be. I wish i had the confidence to stand our ground and argue it for him. Hes in no frame of mind to fight it but why cant i find the confidence to do it for him? His happiness means the world to me so why cant i find the confidence to fight.
I think that as i grow older and have more life experience maybe my confidence will build. However i look back on what i have been through and the confidence should be there already.
I had a difficult childhood (which one day i would like to go into), i moved out of home when i was 17/18 and took on aload of responsibilitys, then theres everything that me and Ross have been thorugh. I do wish i could find the strenght to put more effort into finding confidence as iput a huge amount of effort into nagging my husband and being miserable sometimes.
Maybe these kind of unsympathic people will only last so long in their world and one justice will happen. I do think things happen for a reason...... but whats the reason for me being so unconfident when it comes to my loved ones?
Wow thats actuly another whole subject on its own and its one to think about!!
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ReplyDelete'Fighting' for your husband isn't your responsibility, you are beating yourself up when you shouldn't be. You are there to support you husband in 'his' decisions, you can offer advice, you can guide.You can't fight his battles for him unless he is rendered unable and physically can't. It was the same for me, I saw P being used, walked all over and led down some vey dodgy paths but all I could do was work on him, try and show him I was there, that I cared and that I would support him and help him achieve. By fighting someones battle for them you take away there 'identity'I feel, you prevent them from continuing to grow as a human beings. Just think, the way things have turned out now, will have taught you and hubby valuable life long lessons and instilled some strong beliefs and values in you, not to mention made you realise how much you love each other. If you had fought for him, would you have learnt those lessons, or lessons that later in life will be invaluable? Hubby has to WANT to fight and if he doesn't it means he wasn't ready and therfore your role is exaclty as you are doing, loving supporting and just being there. As for nagging, who doesn't..lol..its what we do and he'd wonder what was wrong if you didn't! You're entitled to feel miserable, you have had large amounts of s**t thrown your way, we have too and I feel bitter and miserable alot. But then you realise you have to reflect and see what you have learnt, how much of a better person YOU are as a result of someone else's behaviour....good / bad / responsible / irresponsible and also the fact that such horrible conditions affect young people too, again I have been there hun, nearly lost P but in a differnt way.Whatever it may be, you will look back and realsie you have learnt so much and be thankful for those new insights. Life has its way of throwing crap at you but also making you stronger and more equipped to deal with things as the end result, although getting there may be painful and just down right awful. Trust me hun, I'm just starting to climb the VERY STEEP hill up the other side of what has been my version of the pit of hell the last year. You are a great wife, a successful young lady in your own right and a valued friend, daughter and sister.
ReplyDeleteTake a look at the links below for a bit og inspiration, my cousins hubby got acner at 24 just after they got married, but a very rare form, we didn't think he'd make it. Years on they have a beautiful little girl, our god daughter and are getting on wiht their lives. The are the most inspirational couple and so solid. They help P & I so much with their wisdom and experiences.
http://members.lycos.co.uk/dsrct/
http://members.lycos.co.uk/dsrct/iCan%20Article.pdf
Give your self a break, live for today and the future will take care of itself!
http://members.lycos.co.uk/dsrct/
http://members.lycos.co.uk/dsrct/iCan%20Article.pdf
That meant to say cancer..excuse my typos..I have Caleb on my lap...its why I deleted the first comment as it was illegible! lol
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